Emerging Again

Soaked in rage and blood and bliss

Again I stand rooted at the foot of the master

My own soul, sovereign and whole

Fractled beginnings and endings

Red thread woven through time

I am her

She is me

Activated beloved

Humble servant of love

I Consume the flame meant to burn my flesh

This time I rose golden,

Fortified in the fire

From the depths of the earth

My wings spread wider than before

Flames carry me higher

This plane holds me no more

Transcending time and space

Remembering what was once mine

Reclaiming the love stripped from my bones

Burning brighter than before

The wind carries my flames

Held by the cosmos

Loved by the Sun

At long last, my soul is coming home

Entering the year of the Fire Horse, single and sober, nothing is what I thought it was just a few months ago. In the blink of an eye my reality was blurred and confiscated. The humans meant to love and support me, saw me in my darkness and ran. Not only did they run, but they metaphorically and literally locked me away. I was stripped of my life in less than an hour. Made to make choices that were not my own. I battled in my inner world as my external world crumbled. The confusion lasted weeks, institutionalized and lower than I had ever been. And then, one day, I heard words that would destroy the final cornerstone of my life: my marriage was over. I thought I was still trying to fix something that was broken, but the reality was that it was never salvageable after my truth was known. The misery and discontent I had tried to breathe myself out of for years was done, all of that bending and shapeshifting could be laid down now. What I was left with were fragments of someone I once knew but had lost through years of loss, grief, addiction and abandonment.

This could have been the end of my story. Some nights, drenched in sweat and tears, I thought it might be. Just days before, I had felt more connected to Spirit than I ever had been, and what I knew was, that connection was waiting to be reignited through this darkness. I had to hold on. I had to let go of what I thought my life was going to look like. I had to be open to possibilities that I couldn’t imagine yet. I had to surrender to the unknown. My years of study and practice had given me all the tools I needed to make it through this storm, and one by one, day by day, I began to wield my tools, this time to heal myself of the deepest, unconscious wounds I had yet to be aware of.

Five weeks of residential trauma treatment was the opposite approach of what I had been searching for the past 9 years. It was clinical, dehumanizing at times, and modeled what I had rejected for so many years. I was exposed to truths about myself and others that shocked and horrified me. I found myself grasping for art, for music, for my pen. I could not process my experience through speaking or even listening, My mind had protected me from what my body knew for so long, and without the filters and dampers of distractions and substances, I knew it had to be moved through my body, mind & spirit, all at once. One did not function without the other two. There was no amount of yoga or meditation or journaling that would fix me. I had to be radically honest with myself about how I got here: I had given all my power away in hopes that it would be exchanged for unconditional love. And when my expectations were not met, I became a version of myself that I no longer knew, and certainly a version of me that I was ashamed of. It was from a place of humility and surrender I laid down my sword. I turned all outcomes over to my GOD and guides.

I am still early in this part of my journey, just a few months of recovery this time around, AND… I have been on this road since I was in my twenties. Questioning everything, staying open to what I don’t know, and releasing the how. Before I act, I pray. Before I move, I breathe, slow & deep. I only speak (or write) when it flows. There is no more forcing in my life. My humaness keeps me on my toes, and spirit has my back. I am creating a beautiful, sacred space with in my mind, and honestly, I’m learning how to enjoy riding the wave. I find myself above water more than I am under these days, and I don’t know if I want to ask for much more than that.

Thank YOU for Existing & for being on this journey with me,

XxaL